Why Bad Comments Are Not About You: Understanding Projection

It’s a scenario most of us know all too well: someone says something hurtful ..online, at work, or even in our personal circles.. and we feel the sting immediately. Our first instinct is often to internalize it: “Am I really that bad? Did I fail somehow?” But what if I told you that most negative comments are not actually about you at all?

From a neurobiological perspective, our brains are wired to take social feedback very seriously, because our brain is doing exactly what it evolved to do: protect us from harm, even when the harm is imagined (or projected).

Dynamic psychology offers a complementary perspective. Often, hurtful comments reflect the speaker’s inner world more than our own. This is where the concept of projection comes in.

Projection is a defense mechanism in which someone unconsciously attributes their own unwanted feelings, insecurities, or fears onto another person. For example, a colleague who criticizes your work harshly may be wrestling with their own self-doubt and fear of inadequacy. By projecting these feelings onto you, they momentarily externalize what they cannot face internally.

When we recognize projection, we can start to separate ourselves from the content of the comment and examine its source.

Neuroscience tells us that our brain’s mirror neurons are highly sensitive to social cues; we naturally resonate with other people’s emotional states. This is why a projected comment can feel like a direct attack.

Understanding projection also has profound implications for self-growth. When someone’s comment triggers us, it’s an opportunity to explore why we feel hurt, what vulnerabilities are being activated, and how we can strengthen our emotional resilience. In psychoanalytic terms, these triggers illuminate the edges of our own unconscious conflicts, offering a chance for integration and insight.

Next time someone’s words trigger you, have a self-reflection moment and think: is this truly about me, or is it a reflection of their internal world?

Recognizing the difference allows us to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, to hold space for our own emotions, and to maintain our sense of self in the face of external negativity.

Ultimately, understanding projection bridges neuroscience and dynamic psychology.

Our brains react instinctively, but with awareness and insight, we can transform these moments into opportunities for growth.

What feels like an attack on the surface can become a doorway to greater emotional intelligence and self-understanding.

#Psychology #Neuroscience #MentalHealth #BadComments #Projection